There is no hammer or sickle with which I can achieve beautiful things, because I am the instrument where I work with.
For quite some years I have been working as an integral & spiritual coach and I have been able to guide many people with their spiritual growth and development. Many people call me power-woman, primal woman, sorceress or cosmic warrior for freedom, love & light.
With my rather long history of working very hard, practicing, experiencing, and healing myself from deeply damaged structures, I've gotten to where I am allowed to be now.
With mother Terra and father Kosmos I feel a very deep connection. And my 'soul' may be the wise connection between the two. The spiritual work I perform for others, I apply to myself almost daily. I do this by staying connected with my own natural state of being.
You could say that I am faithful to myself. Which means that I am not (or no longer) dependent on approval, compliments or confirmation of my personality.
From the day I was able to read a littlebit properly, I preferred to sit completely alone in the local library.
I looked up all the questions that arose in my head and I was fascinated to the smallest details of our existence. For my feeling, I carried out very important children's research into humans, the cosmos, death, the Earth. Where did people come from? Do extraterrestrials exist? Are my parents my real parents? What are stars, and why are they visible? Are there creatures in the blood? What does the Earth look like? Actually, my mind was way too big for a child's brain, but I couldn't help it, because it was fun!!
"Heidy thinks that the fly walking on the window is much more interesting than the lesson material" Distracted by an irritating label that I feel sticking in my neck, I hear children in the background. Someone raises his finger and asks if he can go to the toilet. The teacher is writing something on the blackboard and is standing with his back to the classroom. Out loud he explains things that are not interesting to me. A fly lands on the window and starts walking funny.
How can flies walk on windows without falling off? Why can't we? Do flies have plaque or suction cups on their paws, which makes that possible? Suddenly I see a dead fly lying on the windowsill a little further on. I reach out and have to hang with my chair on two legs. Yes, got it!
This one will go home with me, then I can take a look at those little paws with my dad's magnifying glass. With a super happy face I look at my neighbor girl who looks back uninterested. She shrugs her shoulders and looks with a deadly look at the fly. Carefully I put the dead fly in an empty box with fruit in it. The teacher hits the table with his stick and shouts Heidy you're not there again!
My brain and way of feeling didn't change when I got older. To the satisfaction of others I had adapted myself to them. Laughing at jokes that I did not understand or listening quasi interestedly to the superficialities that other young people dealt with. Again and again it went wrong in making contact with others. As a result, people often became angry with me and I could never understand why.
Not only was I socially clumsy, but it seemed as if I completely missed the board time and again with the right intention. You understand that instead of developing into a self-confident person, I had become a torned apart young adult. One who lived in two complex worlds - the outer world that everyone was allowed to see and an inner world that I was hiding.
Because of my 'difficult' brain I went into too much depth on matter and wanted to understand everything. With a beautiful word it's called 'brain stormer', where I spent nights worrying about people's behavior, life on Earth and the strange cold world I had ended up in. Maybe more people will recognize themselves in the fact that it's just nice to be able to look away for a moment. Some brains are a bit more difficult to put together and I know from experience that it can be very difficult to feel so much and to absorb energy into yourself, which can hardly be drained.
A few years before my thirties I reached the bottom and hit my lowest point.
In panic, with hypochondria, heart palpitations, severe sleeping problems and totally exhausted, I was crying at the doctor's office. He heard my story and proposed a personality test with intelligence test.
This revealed that I was contextually highly gifted. People had never heard about the term HSP (High Sensitive Person) at that time. For this period of time I had been given a very modern stamp adhd with 'autistic' characteristics. The doctor had done his duty and with a prescription of soothing pills and a referral letter for a psychologist I was sent home again.
By the way, I never took those pills. Because of the hypochondria I was more afraid of the side effects than of the illness itself. So I went to work very hard to get things straight for myself. I did this by using self-help books, psychologists, energetic healers, trainings, workshops & schooling.
The appearence from people, the exterior always looked so different, then what I saw and felt in that person. In my younger years, it was an absolute NO GO - to talk about feelings and emotions. You can Imagine that I never could tell to someone - You are laughing, while you're sad, I can feel that.
In retrospect, of course, I understand that everything is interrelated, but believe me, I felt myself like an incomplete human being, because there was nothing right about me. People really did not like my penetrating expression and difficult questions (which I can understand now 😊). I felt I mainly ran into rejection and incomprehension.
Automatically I started to adapt to the desired normative and that was the only way for me to 'survive'. The coping mechanism was my guiding point to change tactics or to fall back on the familiar and trusted. That was my own unique way to understand how people are and to learn social skills.
Certain forms of - 'giftedness' in girls are almost never or much too late diagnosed. This is because they can adapt marvelously well to the environment. For me, I saw and understood everything that was going on in the world, but understood nothing from the people around me. That this is now called New Age Child or Starseed I think is a more friendly term.
Once an adult, all timelines seemed to shift together and life had become one big chaos. Sometimes I tried to hold up twenty balls at the same time, so that they wouldn't fall.
Many things simultaneously walked side by side, such as working in a butcher shop, give energetic massages in an attic. In addition, studying and working at youth care to give yoga classes in a community center in the evenings. Cooking for family and friends, raising two children, helping and guiding others, moving, renovating. Offering a listening ear, guiding death processes, conducting research into the world, reading self-help books and so on.
Do not ask me how, but I have very long persevered and succeeded!
Until the day that I had a near-fatal car accident! I was quite brutally shaken by this "Wake up" call ....
Het werd dus tijd om te stoppen waarmee ik bezig was! Het eerste wat ik moest doen, was mijzelf onder ogen komen en naar de spiegels te kijken die ik in mijn leven gepresenteerd kreeg. Wie was ik zonder illusies, zonder al die buitenkantjes, zonder masker, zonder gepijnigd ego en zonder aanpassingsgedrag of coping mechanisme. Wie was Heidy werkelijk achter de zogenaamde onkwetsbare buitenkant en wat wilde ze eigenlijk zélf?
This whole self-examination was a tough job in which I faced all the shadows of myself layer by layer. In doing so, I discovered the key to true self-liberation from all the chains that I thought I was chained to.
Despite the fact that I still live with physical pain from the accident every day and have to adjust myself physically from day to day. I have healed myself from almost all broken emotional and mentally constructed structures. Deze ‘wedergeboortes’ zorgden ervoor dat ik volop toegang kreeg tot de gaven en talenten die ik vroeger als kind al bij me droeg.
Now when you get to know me as a human being, you don't see at all how far I've had to go.
Authentic, sovereign, from my core values androgynous life for my existence, were the highest goals that I as a person wanted to achieve. But for that I had to (strangely enough) first dare to become an imperfect person.
The road was not easy at all, because I cried out many old & bitter tears, felt anger and shame. Which now is called with a friendly word: "transformation process" ..... Well, Fuck That! The death of my ego felt like a six-years-long-character-murder - even though, I survived haha
And no, I do not have to become an Enlightened or Ascended Human at all. For me that is far too ambitious and probably I am not floaty enough for that because I am a spiritual realist (yes, there is).
I no longer carry the ballast that I carried with me as a person. Because of this I can now say that I have become sweet and light enough for myself and the loved ones around me. Let's just say that I will do my best to continue to experience, develop. Only when I have turned my own lead into gold, I can help others, and not a day earlier.
For me there is nothing (anymore) to convince or prove in the work I do, because I trust 100% in my own spiritual work! Duality I have left behind as much as posible. Because this is not my own life and not my own world.
Despite the fact that sometimes it's still difficult to feel trapped in a human body of flesh and blood, I learn to deal with that better and better every day. For those who recognize themselves in my story, they may also have had to survive as a Starseed in a human package of flesh and blood. The unseen and neglected Starchild who managed to hide all talents and gifts or could never had the posibillity to develop them.
I can tell you that it feels wonderful to be authentic as a person. I made from mother Earth my home and I feel completely connected again with the Universe.
I hope to meet you in ... whatever form or shape you are!
In Lak’ech from Heidy