“dankbaarheid komt in alle vormen terug
niet altijd van de persoon zelf”
Ooit ben ik begonnen met het maken van een nieuwe kleurrijke jas, omdat mijn oude zwartgekleurde jas aan het verslijten was. En tijdens het maken van mijn nieuwe kleurrijke jas, trok ik de oude zo nu en dan uit om de nieuwe eventjes aan te passen en tussentijds wat aanpassingen te verrichten indien nodig.
Carefully and with a lot of patience I sewed the colorful parts together stitch by stitch with needle and thread. Carefully chosen warm tones, the soft fabrics and embroideries made the real shapes and beautiful contours look contemporary. On the day my new coat was completely finished, I brought the fabric to my face towards my cheeks and nose, where my eyes closed automatically and I could perceive the smell of myself, my loved ones and my home.
The new coat slipped through my fingers, my fingertips gently feeling every fiber. I caressed the stitching and flowers I had carefully embroidered on the coat, seeing the colors and shapes before me while my eyes were closed. Once in front of the mirror, I undid the buttons of the old worn coat one by one, while my eyes wandered to the tears, the frays and the holes. A deep need arose to thank the worn jacket for the 51 years of protection from the harsh weather conditions called life.
I pulled the worn jacket over my bare shoulders and the jacket slid down my naked body to the floor. My hands went automatically to my eyes, because I didn't dare look at my naked body, because I hadn't really seen it for so long. Actually, all my life I had been used to ignore or put aside the needs, desires and wishes of this body and its spirit. I never dared to express to others how I really felt at the pain that was sometimes inflicted upon me, for fear of loss and rejection.
through the narrow slits at the scars I had sustained during this life. Scars that were actually not as ugly as I thought and while looking at them I let go of my hands. There I stood naked in front of the mirror with the old worn coat at my feet and the hands next to my body, looking at my aged body.
The pregnancies and deliveries were still visible through all sorts of dimples and lines, as were the scars from burns, cuts, and minor surgeries and accidents. My hair showed gray locks and the face that goes with them, soft shallow wrinkles where they have been used most. I turn around and see that around the congenital back defect, a cluster of muscles have sprung up to reinforce and try to cushion the nearly 40% slope. There is also a transverse line in my neck created by a pretty severe car accident that has caused my cervical vertebrae to wear out at an accelerated rate.
I have always liked my legs and feet that have been getting me where I want to be all my life. And my hands which are incredibly creative, warm, giving and sensitive, I have always had great respect for, as they represent my 'wings'. Strange that you can't tell on the outside what someone has been given to bear in childhood, adolescence, from young adulthood to middle age. And in an instant I was there, where the old life had long since ceased to serve me. How I tried to detach myself from old patterns, conditioning, certain people and situations.
And that it still takes me a lot of courage daily to make choices that suit me. Being aware that I have hurt people in making my choices, also realizing that they have hurt me just as much in making theirs. For me there is no longer a place for guilt, adaptation to others, survival tactics and coping mechanisms to satisfy everyone. Probably the most powerful developments in my growth towards self-realization.
Het zetten van de daadwerkelijke stappen om mijzelf te bevrijden is niet kinderlijk eenvoudig omdat we ook nog met een buitenwereld te maken hebben. Het brengt vaak onbegrip en boosheid waarbij sommige mensen zelfs ruzie of een discussie opzoeken, mijn vragen negeren of gewoon botweg verlaten zonder woorden, als ik voor mijn eigen behoeften en wensen opkom – of daadwerkelijk laat zien wie ik van binnen bén. En al weet ik dat de ‘eenzaamheid’ die deze keuzes mij brengen groter zullen worden, zet ik toch moedig door te kiezen voor bewuste ‘alleenheid’ om zaken op orde te stellen en een goede filtering te kunnen maken tussen mij en die ander. De gespletenheid van twee werelden is ondraaglijk geworden, dus kies ik vandaag beter en slimmer dan gisteren, door weg te doen wat niet meer dient.
The steps I've taken, the decisions I've ever made have paved the way for a future with many more truly warm and vibrant connections. A life as I would like to live it myself, with the people I truly love and want to grow old with. And yes, this time it is all about me in which I seek equality. I take another long look at my body which in many cultures is seen and respected as a wise body, can I see that? So I spin around in front of the mirror and find that the naturally plastic beauty has given way to a body that indeed carries wisdom.
Humble, naked and vulnerable I feel, wondering to whom I would like to show this "nakedness" and decide immediately that I only want to show it to the person who dares to show the same "nakedness" to me again and with less I will not be satisfied anymore. A tickle arises that feels like spring, like a kind of infatuation in the depths of my belly. And drop by drop, light seeps towards my blood which expands into my fibers, as if tiny lights begin to shine from my pores. Very long beams of golden light shine from my body forming all kinds of lines and connections with the Divine.
I feel the transition slowly passing into menopause and a peaceful, satisfied smile appears on my face. Actually, I haven't done so badly at all and I say to myself: Chapeau dear Heidy, at least now you know where you stand so that you can stay true to yourself for the rest of your future life? I pick up the old worn jacket from the ground and press it against my heart, knowing that I will never put it on again.
Taking my new colorful coat off the hanger, I let my arms slip into the sleeves over my shoulders and button the coat. One by one, the colorful buttons slide through the buttonholes, which is unexpectedly smooth and pleasant to the touch. I will need this new coat to protect my naked vulnerability, softness, warmth, wisdom and love for those who cannot yet embrace it. The new coat will protect me from old patterns, old pitfalls and misuse of goodness, wisdom and knowledge.
However, the beautiful colors, stitching patches and embroidery, unlike my old black coat, represent a much more approachable and friendly exterior, to attract the right people, situations and energies that fit my current self.